Day 23: The Novelty

Okay I suppose it’s all fun and games the first few weeks. “Haha yeah I’ll quit drinking for a year!”. Now the lights have gone off and it is just me and my goal. The novelty has worn off. I still get sideway glances that say “are you okay? Can you be around this alcohol?” which, to be honest, I find quite annoying. I never thought of myself as some degenerate who go to such extremes to get a sip of alcohol. I suppose the question is, does anyone view themselves as someone who has lost control when they’re in the moment? In the moment everything seems fun, it’s all a laugh and a party and a blur. I never stopped to consider what I was doing was harmful to myself or anyone else and just brushed it off as “another good night”.

“No you can’t”

I don’t necessarily miss the drinking, okay I do a little bit, but when I find myself the most vulnerable is looking at old videos of myself drinking or seeing friends drink. This brings back all the nostalgia without any of the consequences so I find it easy to want to have a drink. I suppose I’ve never grappled with being told “no you can’t”. What is it about being told you can’t have something that makes it instantly a more attractive option? This journey began with “no you can’t”. “No you can’t go a year without drinking, that’s impossible for you”, so I laughed and said “watch me”. Now that has fizzled out and has shifted to “no you can’t have a drink, you promised yourself.” What an idiot I am.

“My savior in all of this has been reading”

I never found myself drinking during stressful times or after a hard day work, rather, it’s the quiet moments watching sports, or playing video games that my cravings peak. My savior in all of this has been reading. I can’t read while drinking, not for the obvious reasons like my vision is blurred (although that does happen), but rather, I can’t focus and I get very sleepy. Shocking that I am able to be more productive and read more books while I’m sober and not blacked out. I have found enjoyment in page turning and literary works written by authors far greater than I’ll ever hope to achieve. My enthusiasm has expanded in the recent months from strictly fantasy/sci fi, to more grounded books and even a little smut.

“A boring, sober life…”

So now this is my life. A boring, sober life that has changed from constant enjoyment and nothing bad will ever happen, to fleeting moments of bliss ground out from the doldrums of the monotonous week. If 25 year old me could see what I’ve become I’m not sure what he would think, perhaps “I’ll have another”.